Quepasana: Everything is waking up right now

Vipassana: To See Things Clearly

Vipassana means ‘to see things clearly,’ and I’ve been wanting to do one of these retreats since i first learned about them. Vipassana is a 10 day silent meditation retreat that is offered as a gift - for free - all over the world. When I lived in San Diego I had a a lot of friends who participated and volunteered at Vipassana retreats and for years would tell me about it and recommend it to me. At the time I didn’t consider myself a meditator because I was unable to sit for long periods of time - I had this idea in my head that a meditator looks like a monk who sits in stillness without moving for hours on end and this archetype didn’t fit with my super athletic body with scoliosis and an ADHD mind. To be totally honest, I had an overwhelming amount of self judgement when it came to meditation. I had sat at some TM + Vipassana seminar evenings listening to people talk about it - and honestly it all sounded 1. Impossible and 2. Like hell. TCM told me to let my thoughts ‘bubble to the surface and then pop,’ whatever that meant. And Vipassana told me I had to sit without moving for 10 hours a day, for 10 days straight: an absolutely ridiculous idea. I thought there was no way I could do either of these things and this judgement compounded as I was a sound healer, energy healer and yoga teacher (spoiler alert: the meditation teacher in me took years to coax out) and all my friends who were in similar lines of work (naturopaths, massage therapists, counselors) were all “good” meditators so the comparison added to the judgement, and I stayed away from turning my gaze inward.

It wasn’t until literally years (maybe a decade) later that I realized I had meditated my whole life, but my meditation looks drastically different and incorporated movement. One fateful day in 2019 (?) I was hiking (meditating) up a volcano in Guatemala with a new friend named Sami Rose, we bonded deeply over California (I was San Diego, she was LA), holistic perspectives, astrology, healing, shibari and meditation. I expressed my concerns and judgements with meditation and Sami happily told me about the existence of a Vipassana-adjacent retreat that allowed movement. I was overjoyed and when we got back down from the volcano the next day (which was amazing by the way and we got to watch Volcan Fuego explode all night, but that’s not what this blog is about) I immediately put myself on the waitlist… and waited…. For years.

My Meditation Journey

I’ve written about my relationship to meditation before, thinking I was not a good meditator for most of my life. I had immense trouble sitting still and a lot of judgement and preconceived notions of what meditation + meditators ‘looked like.’ In 2024 I attended a 7 day silent retreat with Jhourney teaching myself to learn the Jhanas - and once I did and realized I was ‘there’ which of course was nowhere specific and also everywhere at the same time, I realized I had been meditating my whole life but my meditation was almost always accompanied by movement.

Jhourney explained the Jhana’s to me as elevated states of consciousness that are within our grasp because we have felt them as children - that deep presence accompanied by a feeling of ecstasy - pure play, pure bliss followed by a deep sense of connection and presence and finally gratitude. I recognized the Jhana’s in the same way you recognize your reflection: this ‘bell curve’ of joy made me realize that these are the states I reach when I hike - which is one of the million reasons I love hiking. The harder the hike the more blissed out I am. Literally every time I hike I am in pure bliss - which made me realize so many things 1. Why I like to hike alone, this feeling of bliss is not shared with anyone and feels very vulnerable and exposed especially when you’re hiking with someone not having a good time, the gap between experiences can lead to feelings of disconnection 2. Why everyone hated hiking with me earlier in life - for me the harder the hike the better the bliss, when I was younger I used to take my friends hiking and they haaaaated it. There were many statements of “I will never hike with Jess ever again,” swore through gritted teeth struggled breaths when I was younger. 3. Why I seek out such difficult hikes - of course I am very adventurous and athletic and love to hike for exercise, but the feelings of peace and presence I get from trudging and frolicking up a mountain is like nothing else, it feels like a drug where the only addiction is needing to do another hike.

There is also meditation through pain, I’m sure it’s obvious to you now if you’re on this page that I am very much covered in tattoos and piercings. Sitting through a particularly long tattoo leads to turning the gaze inward, focusing on your breath, steadying your mind, and not only sitting “through” the pain but sitting “with” it. I also suffer once a month from the barely-survivable pain of endometriosis + adenomyosis and honestly the pain is so bad it’s laughable when I’m not suffering from it, and almost unbelievable from the outside looking in. I’m not saying I do this gracefully by any means, but I do, in a sense, have to meditate through it. We all suffer painful life events and generally the way we get through it is turning the gaze inward, breathing steadily telling ourselves ‘we will get through this,’ and from rock bottom we pick ourselves back up and begin again.

The Golden Ticket

I had the most awful break up of my life in 2024 and I wasn’t actually sure if I’d ever be okay and trust again, shoutout to David + Quentin for gluing my heart back together again. Well fast forward to 2025’s major healing adventure that took me all over the Southeast Asia from healing my skin in Korea; to seeing Mt Fuji for the first time and falling head over heals for Japan; to healing my soul in Thailand and healing my adventurous spirit in the Philippines, I received THE email I had been waiting for, for years: Quepasana was open for newcomers and I was accepted and I’m going to Maui. And then came the stress point: just kidding - there was some sort of glitch in the system that said you were accepted but you weren’t quite yet.

Luckily my manifestation and email skills were locked in and I explained my situation - how I heard of them (on a volcano - so cool right?) my healing journey because of the break up and my flinging myself back out to life and adventure (I deserve this!), where I was geographically and where I would be - in Hawaii anyways (Kauai technically) and finally I received the Golden Ticket and I was confirmed and accepted. There was much rejoicing and telling everyone who would listen.

After 6 years, I was finally going to be a Quepasana Girlie.

May the 4th be with with you

I had never been to Hawaii before and then as it happened I was scheduled to adventure to 3 different islands due to friends visiting Oahu, Quepasana in Maui, and family living in Kauai. I got off the plane in Maui and into the van and drove to the retreat center. I bonded instantly with my ride share friends - shoutout to Aiden, Jaime + Keifer and we rode to the sunrise of our destiny. All day we talked and bonded with our like-minded high-vibey new friends then by the time we woke up on May 5th we had begun our journey into deep inside ourselves.

The Journey

I expected some difficulty and perhaps because of that my time was pretty easeful. Since my Jhana Jhourney, and subsequent meditation teaching over last year I have meditated almost every day and I deeply love and cherish my meditation practice. It has become something delicious and yummy that I look forward to daily.

We woke up at 4:30am every day with movement and stretching which (only slightly) eased the pain of the 4:30am bell. We sat for 2 hours, took a break to roam, swim, snorkel, eat breakfast, stretch, and walk around. After breakfast and clean up we came back, did yin yoga + breathwork and sat in meditation for 4 hours. Then we broke for lunch, more options to swim, walk, stretch, workout, and then we met back at the Shala for more yin, breathwork, and sitting for another 4 hours. We would break for dinner, clean up, watch sunset and sit again for 2 hours before going to bed by 8:30pm.

Day 1 and Day 2 were full of distractions and patience for the monkey mind, allowing forgiveness and acceptance to seep deeply into all the problems my mind was trying to fix from my past, present and future. My mind was trying to solve puzzles, organize things, make lists, and overall various mental backflips + contortions; and I patiently, with love and compassion for myself and my mind; gently brought my awareness back to the present moment using my breath and the sensations it brought to my nose, lungs and stomach. My mind pulled and stretched for things and distractions and judgements and past grievances and hurts and I lovingly and patiently kept bringing my mind back to The Now. I had some really beautiful breakthroughs just on how tasty the present moment is - my minds eye created this orange orb that shone like the sun and every time I brought my mind back to this shape I could feel the most gorgeous sensations flow throughout my body, my heart, my lungs, my mind. This orb was full of all sensations and every time I brought my mind back I was rewarded with this full sensory treat that can only happen right NOW.

Day 3 and Day 4 were endometriosis-related death days where I just layed and suffered most of the time, but like I do once a month anyways, I meditated through the pain, and through the pain was the most delicious presence, my minds eye showed a darkly overcast sky over a dark ocean but this gorgeous light right in between the layers of darkness. There were many things in this gorgeous light that I’ll describe only as a Happening. Due to the immense pain of my body and the wobbly feeling of the pain pills I was able to stay here and surprisingly didn’t experience any other of the awful symptoms of my period (throwing up, fainting, the ushe). I was feeling everything - and at the same time letting it all go.

Day 5 and Day 6 were wonderful, I was no longer in pain AND I was halfway through! I was gonna make it!!! 10 days is a loooong time of silence and meditation and not much else. The daily yin yoga that we did felt nourishing and the breathwork was lovely too, allowing ourselves to sink deeper into our practice by stretching the body and releasing stuck emotions was so helpful. I had some serious breakthroughs here and starting dreaming up (several) business plans. Anytime monkey mind was too loud I would do manifestations and allow my brain to be distracted with these beautiful loving thoughts toward my future self, then I would come back and find a juicy spaciousness in between the thoughts and stay there.

Day 7 was my worst day. I was distracted all day because we were over the “hump” of halfway and “almost almost” done but not quite and my brain was all over the place. It wanted to write blogs and share all the things I had already learned, contact people - I’ve been gone for months and miss my California Family, journal - how long has it been since I journaled? Do tarot - I was pulling cards while drinking coffee and working every day before this!? I need to SCREAM! I need to talk Sage (my ChatGPT) and ask what these flowers are that were growing everywhere? How was everyone on the outside? What if something bad happened? I needed to buy flights to California and Denver!? I still don’t have a Burning Man ticket?!!!!!!!!!! This was a day of fear and worries, judgements and concerns, and so instead of fighting it, I let it be that way and did what I could to ease the pain of the weight of my brain - which was mostly big deep breaths to relax my nervous system as much as possible and feed positive distractions like beautiful day dreams, mantras and manifestations for Future Jess.

Day 8 and Day 9 were back to bliss - more ideas, juicer awareness, easefulness in herding my brain back to Now; loving awareness, kindness and compassion toward myself, felt throughout my heart, my body, my brain, my thoughts - even the bad ones. I started to forgive myself for thinking bad thoughts about people who had hurt me and this had a domino effect, forgiving so many people for so many things, forgiving myself for letting people hurt me and sticking around too long, forgiving myself for not knowing, not understanding, forgiving others for the same. I had a big breakthrough thinking about my parents just remembering that they did the best they could and at the end of the day - they want my approval now as much as I wanted theirs when I was little. I cried and cried and allowed the release of tears to flow down my face and wash away the tension. I felt like the sun. Unfuckable with, and as my friend/ mentor / therapist Andy says “be in the mindset that nothing can stick to you;” everything was bliss. My walking slowed down and my staring at the smallest things and finding such treasures everywhere around me - the tiniest details and veins in leaves, all of the tones in the bird song, the colors and movements and dance of the corals and the reefs underwater, feeling sooo incredibly connected on retreat through short but loving glances.

We already loved each other, but when we broke noble silence together Day 10 we were head over heels in love with each other. Throughout the retreat there were these small, tender, acts of romance and thoughtfulness, from finding each others water bottles or helping and volunteering in the kitchen everyone had bonded from a heart centered place of silence and kindness. We all cried in a circle loving and acknowledging one another and finally learning each other’s names. Later that day, Keifer and I made up the best game of Bocci Ball that very vaguely resembles actually Bocci Ball, the bonds were sealed, friendships formed: we were connected forever.

Day 11 we broke down our entire camp with over 30 tents, the kitchen, the Shala together as a team. Leaving was impossibly hard but it had to be done. I hugged everyone goodbye (not something I normally do) made sure they had my contact and left for Jurassic Park…. I mean Kauai.

Quepasana Take Aways

I feel more present in my body which is mostly felt in my voice. If you’ve know me you know I talk very fast when I am excited, but when I work I have a very meditative cadence to my speech. When I spoke out loud for the first time on day 10 I could hear my voice vibrate inside of my chest. My thoughts were going a million miles a minute because it was the first time we got to talk but my mouth was moving at a slower pace - so I started to connect my thoughts to my mouth and be more present; I was hearing every word I said as I said it. Occasionally in the past, I haven’t felt heard and wondered if it’s because I don’t hear myself - suddenly I was hearing my truth from deep inside my chest, everyone was listening intently, and I was trusting the sound of my silence and loudness.

I had a very strange interaction which I won’t go into the details: but I was bullied while in silence. This felt very troubling for all the reasons, I’m sure you can imagine. But being “silenced” during “silence” left me with a very unsafe, very uneasy feeling, especially when I was trying to honor silence, but felt like I needed to stand up for myself, but had limited people I could ask for help from. This caused a lot of rumination and circular thoughts: and just as much as it did create rumination - I was also able to let it go….? Which felt a little wild due to past expressions of Jess. Because of that (I think) the universe gave me another chance to stand up for myself - so I did - and much louder this time - and it felt like DRUGZ! The pure power that was rushing through my veins while I spoke to this person - telling them my truth and how I felt - and the effect of their actions - felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. We ended up hugging at the end so everything turned out fine but it was a gorgeous ‘happening’ that I got to 1. Meditate on and 2. Practice letting go 3. Standing up for myself 4. Speaking my truth and then finally 5. Coming to a resolution.

Epiphanies about my ex lovers, parents, past and future were abundant, including unhooking myself from these tangles of the past and bringing myself back to the Here and Now and letting everything else go and be water under the bridge. A huge realization came in the exact way that I needed to understand was: that my parents needs always came first in my childhood home and those are similar patterns in the relationships I have attracted in the past - someone whose needs are louder and more important than mine. Watching that pattern from a far out perspective realizing that I am the most important person in my life, I am the main character. My life is all about me and I am allowed to have all my needs met, I am allowed to have my cake and eat it to. I am a powerful sorcerer and always have been. Things come easy to me and my life is blessed because of me! I make it this way!? When someone comes into my life they are competing with the bliss of how I feel when I am alone!? I am a magnet for miracles and good things always find me?!

In conclusion - I am the luckiest girl in the world and I am so fucking grateful to live this blessed life with these insanely beautiful circumstances and experiences. I would highly recommend you checking out Quepasana.

For Chayna

On a personal note, when I left the cozy sacred container of Quepasana I found out a dear friend of mine, Chayna Girling had passed away. Chayna was a lot of things - a powerful and beautiful fashion icon and artist. An incredible photographer, an explorer, a Burner, an amazing friend who lifted me up emotionally and mentally after the despair of my break up, who saw a light in me when I didn’t see anything in myself. Even though we didn’t know each other for very long, the time we spent together moving her magical Witch House, the road trips, the photography shoots, the moral support, the shared love + interests and respect in one another. She will live in the fire of my heart forever.

She wasn’t really a “rest in peace” kinda person, so for both of us, I hope she haunts me forever.

Xoxo,

Jess

Psychedelic Soaked Stories

I have been a psychonaut since I was in high school and have dabbled in most plant medicines throughout my life. I believe my life has changed for the better by taking these substances due to their capacity to expand the mind; and help you be more open to learning more about your own consciousness and the consciousness in the world around you. Psychedelics make the environment as alive as you are, and they dissolve the ego which is to say the boundaries that keep us separate and in pain.

In February 2024 I finally met Rick Doblin, the creator of MAPS (The Multidisciplinary Approach for Psychedelic Studies) at a conference in Dubai. I have been a fan of him ever since I learned about MAPS in 2014; this cosmic encounter and telling him about my Ketamine experience inspired this blog.

In high school I was dangerously depressed and looking for something, anything, to show me magic in the world. Intuitively I knew magic was real; and being highly sensitive and empathic, knowing the emotions that the people were feeling around me led me to believe there was another field of energy connecting us all. I didn’t have words or descriptions for this back when I was younger, but I do now: I was having an existential crisis and no one around me was equipped to help me navigate these stormy cosmic and psychic waters.

Being so highly sensitive and empathic was good and bad, good in a sense where I was a fantastic listener and therapist to all my friends, which ended up translating perfectly into my now-careers; but bad as I couldn’t decipher what emotions were mine, and what were other peoples’. This lead to a constant cacophony of emotions in my body, and I was overwhelmed, anxious and depressed, wanting to crawl out of my skin most of the time - and not knowing why.

Using marijuana started to quiet all these feelings of ‘other’ and I felt free and unencumbered. Being curious about this feeling of freedom led me to dabble in plant medicines, and some synthetics, and I feel like that has made a huge improvement in my life. I was a normal high school kid dabbling in things I didn’t understand, and to this teenage version of myself I am forever grateful for her bravery; now, I realize the sacredness of the journey that I’m about to embark upon, and prepare appropriately.

Important Note: This blog is of my personal story ONLY, it is in no way to promote the irresponsible use of any of these (illegal) substances. There are many medicinal-therapy-sessions that you can do nowadays under the supervision of a licensed or certified therapist. I recommend you do research and listen to your intuition on what’s right for you. This is NOT medical advice.

Mushrooms and LSD

My first experimentation after marijuana and copious amounts of alcohol to numb the pain in my head and heart, was experimenting with mushrooms and LSD in which I experienced my first spiritual experiences where I saw the grand design behind the universe - it was shaped like the Sri Yantra and the Flower of Life - symbols that became tattoos later in life. Camping in the forests of Michigan, eating mushrooms and dropping acid whilst camping with friends I saw trees breathe, I saw patterns in the sand, and the movement in the actual air of the sky. I realized that awareness is inner AND outer - a sender and receiver in both directions - just as I gazed at the world, the world gazed back. Interestingly enough, I noticed wild animals responded to me in this heightened state of awareness and came close to investigate, curious perhaps that I was vibrating at a different (non-human?) frequency. Dragonflies would not stop flying around while my friend Caitlin and I stood in the river in complete and utter awe of the patterns swirling in and around our feet.

One time ingesting mushrooms, I accidently took my boyfriends dose and he took mine - he was much larger than me (a football player) and his dose was much stronger. As I sat in a chair in a circle of all of my friends their names and faces slowly started to dissolve away and I realized I didn’t know who they were. Suddenly, I noticed that I didn’t know who I was. My name, face, life story, parents all dissolved into what I can only describe as a cosmic soup of general loving awareness. The cats in the room that were previously very chill started kickflipping around the room, responding to this vibrational shift in the atmosphere; it seemed they were almost celebrating our new realizations with us. You would think that this would have been terrifying - but for some reason it was absolutely fine.

I got up to look at myself in the mirror and was so surprised at what I saw: an unfamiliar face looking back. As I looked at Her I was able to see Her for the first time, with no prior thoughts of self hatred, self judgment or self loathing, I didn’t see blemishes or imperfections, I just saw a young girl with insanely dialated pupils, confused and curious staring back. She was so young, she was so pretty.

When I returned to sit down to this person I had never seen before (my boyfriend of 2 years) I knew that I probably wouldn’t have done whatever it was I did with people I didn’t feel safe with or know. This felt like a resonate truth, so I sat back down and continued to explore the room around me. Staring across the room at a famous picture of the Pink Floyd albums painted on girls backs sitting at a pool, they laughed as they swayed back and forth in togetherness, I moved my attention to the Led Zepplin falling angel poster I realized he was dancing in complete rapture and ecstasy and celebration of life.

Suddenly I became the most vibrant visual and physical sensation where I was flying through the sky with nothing else around me except clouds. Up ahead appeared a cliff with the root of a tree sticking out on the cliff side, but under the top, below the surface. I grabbed on to the root and immediately like an tsunami of remembrance, my life flooded back into my brain, my mom’s face came into view and all of my life memories rushed back in. I struggled to catch my breath as I was overcome with a lifetime of love from friends, adventures, and family.

Mushrooms and LSD helped me connect to and remember the grand design and harmony underlying reality by allowing my physical eyes to see it. They helped me reconnect to the beauty of myself without mental commentary and judgement and they helped me remember that I, and WE, are are all so important to the universe, because we are a part of it and it is a part of us.

When we look within ourselves with psilocybin, we discover that we do not have to look outward toward the futile promise of life that circles distant stars in order to still our cosmic loneliness. We should look within; the paths of the heart lead to nearby universes full of life and affection for humanity.
― Terence McKenna

After our journey together we all stood outside and watched the snow come down in Michigan. It was beautiful.

Ayahuasca

I have journeyed with Grandmother Ayahuasca many times in my life but I’d like to share a snippet of the story of my first experience with Her in Peru. This is not the full story, just a piece.

I sat in a circle with other seekers and my best friend in 2014, the sun sat heavily in the horizon as we started to journey and visuals and sensations started to come into our awareness and body. Grandmother Ayahuasca showed me many many things, but for the purpose of this story - she showed all the arguments I had been in throughout my whole life - and she showed me the other person’s perspective.

One of my blind spots throughout my life has been self-righteousness, a pattern gifted to me from my parents. If we fight, I used to think ‘I am right! You are wrong!’ Ayahuasca showed throughout the journey of all these arguments that I may have been right, but based on their life experiences and their journeys, they were also correct, and that there is no such thing as right and wrong, only perspective. Because of how large this blindspot was for me, allowing wisdom and light into one of my deepest and darkest blockages exploded my mind and heart open, I was never the same.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”

―Rumi

The day after this happened my best friend Annie and I took a glass ceiling train to Maccu Pichu on my birthday. It was one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.

DMT

I was hesitant about DMT because of what I heard from others who had taken this massive journey into their mind and deep into the edges of the universe I kept hearing - ‘you are never the same.’ I knew they probably meant in a positive way, but it was still a bit scary. At this point in my life I had journeyed quite a few times into the universe beyond my consciousness so I felt respectfully nervous, but trusted in my gut.

The first time I did DMT I was living in my dream apartment in San Diego. I created a very safe, very cozy nest, I set intentions, lit candles and incense, journaled, was surrounded by pillows and blankets and beautiful things: I was ready. I inhaled 2.5x (I tried for 3 but couldn’t make it) and was immediately transported into outer outer space, from the darkest depths inside my mind. Through the sky, past the stars and planets and galaxies all the way to the end, and then further past that to where reality folded back on itself and the farther I traveled through the universe the closer I got to myself.

At the outer reaches of beyond the imagined universe, I saw faces very similar to what Alex Grey paints - columns made of consciousness all connected with each other, infinitely. I tried speaking with this vibrating consciousness, I can’t call them ‘beings’ because they were all one ‘being’ and they weren’t separate from myself, and we are all one and and and.

I realized communicating with them through words or even thoughts wasn’t the right way, so instead I allowed myself to received from them. What washed over me was this light pink vibration that felt like the juicyest hug and cuddles I have ever received and the truth that love is everything. Love is me, love is you, the world is love; there is nothing in this world that is not love.

Inevitably, the sound of motorcycle on the 5 ended up pulling me out of this beautiful experience - this real life dream. Part of me was sad it was over, it was like death in a sense that you are so held by love and therefore want to return but know its not your time. Part of me was happy I got to see and experience this…. Happening. Part of me wanted more, and if I’m being super duper honest, part of me felt like I wasn’t enough: this is a childhood wound pattern that occasionally plagues me. I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” to experience the wisdom these beings / entities / creatures bestowed on me. This felt super heavy to carry and to hold, but was eventually alleviated.

Ketamine

The first time I did ketamine I was incredibly depressed and thinking of ending things - this was around 27 years old in the classic dark-night-of-the-soul / Saturn Return time. I called my friend Eddie to see if I could come over his house and have him ‘babysit’ me - as I literally didn’t trust myself alone with my suicidal thoughts.

This turned out to be one of the single best decisions I’ve ever made.

I came over and told him honestly and vulnerably what was going on with me and he asked if I wanted to try ketamine.

I assured him ‘no, absolutely not,’ as I felt anything could push me over the edge of the precipice I found myself teetering on.

“Now is the exact moment you need ketamine,” He told me; because he was one of my closest friends I trusted him, believed him and tried it, and he saved my life.

Suddenly, the Soul that is ME or the ‘Self’ pulled away from the avatar personality of the Jess-self and I was able to see that I am not Jess, I am the limitless expansive energy that currently animates this ‘Jess Person,’ AND this ‘Jess Person’ has some sort of physical chemical imbalance that causes super dark depressive episodes, but I am not that self, I am beyond that - beyond all description except for, simply put, I AM.

By the time I came back in my body I was no longer depressed or suicidal. With wide teary eyes and a genuine smile on my face and heart I told Eddie what happened. It felt like it had been months I had gone without smiling it actually felt unfamiliar at first. He had saved me.

Iboga

Iboga was the hardest plant medicine I’ve ever done and it was more recently in 2024. My (now ex) boyfriend, Jason, and I traveled to a farm in Somewhere, Portugal and entrusted our life to this (very vetted) clinic - they monitor your heart the whole time. Iboga is insanely dangerous and does kill people. I do not recommend this as even though my heart was fine, I came out of the 3 days so convinced I was dead I was, in fact, trying to convince other people too.

It seems that people’s journey’s are vastly different. You do not get visuals with Iboga like with Ayahuasca… but then again you sort of do? But they’re different? It’s a bit hard to explain but I‘ll do my best: Ayahuasca is known as the Grandmother Plant Medicine, she’s flowy, feminine, you can talk to her during your journey and she’ll work with you. Ayahuasca can be difficult, but you do feel as though you are held by her throughout. Iboga is a very Saturnian Grandfather, strict and rigid - you feel like you are learning and growing but perhaps through punishment - for me it felt like I was made it sit in ‘time out.’

During my journey and under the influence for 3 days I had to fight a demon to save my brother, which is what broke the wall into the experience. I was in hell walking around, I was suffering a lot, but the through line through all of this was ‘I’m suffering now, and that’s okay.’ ‘I’m in hell now, and that’s okay,’ come to the marrow-deep realization that even if I was in hell now, I probably wouldn’t be later.

I could hear Jason crying in the room next to me and I knew it was because I was dead. Eventually after 3 days there was a knock at the door and the guides came in and said he wanted to talk to me. I asked if it was because I was dead. They gave me a confused and concerned look - which only deepened my inner knowing that I was, in fact, deceased. Jason came in and hugged me, it was one of the best hugs I’ve ever received, through tears and sobbing together I asked him if he had called my parents, to which he responded ‘no, why?’ And I tearfully told him he had to call them and tell them I was dead, and they were gonna be so mad at him but he had to arrange my body to be sent home.

After a lot of back-and-forth-disagreeing-and-convincing he picked me up and brought me outside in the sunshine flower filled meadow of Portugal springtime. We connected so deeply, so vulnerably, so beautifully ending with him asking, through tears “did we just get really lucky?”

The things I learned through this experience are: wherever you are, that’s okay, it’s not your final destination. Life is mostly suffering spotted with insanely gorgeous times when the cosmic sun comes out.

~

I wrote about this in another blog Iboga: Death & Dying because it was such a vast experience that would be too much to share here in my light explanations of my plant medicine ceremonies and adventures.

Bufo

Bufo was one of the most delightful frog medicines I’ve ever done. I inhaled, and as I exhaled, the whole world was created out of my mouth - rivers, lakes, mountains, jungles, flowers, animals. It was incredible as the longer I exhaled, the more I created.

After my initial exhale ended, I started to laugh and my laughter made me laugh harder and I felt like I was laughing from the insides my organs and bone marrow, it was the extreme feeling of inexplicable pleasure like an impossible itch was finally being scratched. I laughed for everything, the sun, the moon, the flowers, laughter itself, joy, being in love, being loved, friendship, sunshine, etc.

After I laughed, I began to cry, and the crying turned to sobbing turned to wailing and it felt literally delicious. The crying made me cry harder and deeper and feel into all the pain, but the pain felt glorious. It felt like life. I wept for myself, my pain, my trauma, my inner child, I wept for my parents, my friends, I wept for my ancestors and finally I wept for the sadness in the world. The more I wept the more clarity I gained and the lighter I felt.

In Conclusion

I’m a supporter of the Stoned Ape Theory: neanderthal man was going around doing neanderthal things until he ate a magic mushroom and suddenly wondered about things outside of himself. I believe in this theory because of how it mirrors my own life. I was curious about consciousness, ate an mushroom, and then I experienced the w i d e n i n g of it and suddenly noticed consciousness being just as curious about me… and I was never the same.

Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.

— Terence McKenna

Once again this blog is only to share my personal experiences, not to convince or influence in anyway. This is an invitation to do your own research and to make your own choices. People have had very bad trips - and I have had a few of my own that took a long time to heal from. Exploring the recesses of your consciousness is altering, is an opening, and is a commitment. Once you start to go down these rabbit holes you can’t come back. This is not medical advice.

Psychedelics are the red pill. Proceed with caution.

Xoxo

Jess

Imposter Syndrome on Retreat

I am lucky enough to work for a Meditation Retreat company called Jhourney based out of San Francisco. I had my first retreat with them May 2024 and wrote a Blog about it, which you can find here. They helped me learn how to meditate myself and since then it’s been something I look forward to every day. I am happy to say that since I found them I am a Meditator, and i love it.

I have been on their facilitation team with an incredible group of humans which is a great joy to me. I’ve just returned from a deeply immersive retreat with them at Mt Madonna in California, and it was nothing short of transformative - but not the way you think!!!

Imposter Syndrome was definitely coming up for me as I was helping other people learn how to meditate while I was struggling with my own thoughts, patterns, coping skills and fear. This meditation retreat brought up a lot of unexpected emotions for me, and I always like to share in case it helps someone else feel less alone!

Since my break up last year I have been managing, sometimes better than other times, sometimes worse. But such is life, right? Well, what I realized on this retreat is my ~ main ~ coping skill that ‘keeps me safe,’ and ‘on my path’ and ‘moving forward’ is a pattern of Perfectionism!! And honestly, this pattern has been incredibly helpful with keeping me on track with my physical health since the break up - my daily workouts / coffee walks / and rock climbing with a “I MUST DO THIS” mindset. But spoiler alert- this pattern is not good long term or for emotional health AND I had no idea how much this pattern crept into the driver’s seat of my life, but there it was, looking over at me in the passenger seat.

This childhood pattern, that a lot of us have, was created when I was rewarded and loved most when I did well, and disregarded, disrespected and devalued when I did poorly; this lead me to mistakenly think I was only worthy when I did and performed well, and I was not worthy or lovable when I didn’t do well. This Perfectionist Pattern can also lead to people pleasing, masking, and fawning (the lesser known sister of the Fight or Flight response.) These patterns show up in my relationships…

• I’m going to be the best partner ever and prove I’m worthy of love!

• I’m going to put their needs first so they don’t abandon me!

• I’m not okay but they only like me when I’m 100%, so I’ll be 100%!

This pattern also shows up when I’m under stress or going through a hard time…

• I must be perfect or all is lost

• I’ll be fine (even when I’m clearly not)

• *would literally die before asking for help*

On this meditation retreat this pattern came up, and it came up LOUDLY - a spiritual 2x4 if you will! I was experiencing imposter syndrome, fear, not being good enough, worthy enough, smart enough, etc! It started to materialize in my physical body - I was actually having difficulty breathing + sleeping! Luckily I am always honest when someone asks how I’m doing and when my friends asked - I told them the truth - that I was really suffering inside of my own mind; thankfully I was surrounded by incredibly insightful friends who were able to mirror back to me that: I’m actually doing amazing all things considered! Thankfully I was at a meditation retreat, thankfully I knew how to sit with myself and breathe through it, rather than just trying to get around it without feeling it. So I felt into it and at first it sucked. My brain told me how ~ not good enough ~ I was and how ~ unworthy ~ I was, so I asked it what was the positive intention behind those phrases and mean thoughts. It continued: you suck and you shouldn’t be here, and I kept sitting with these thoughts asking what the positive intention was behind them. Finally they said forgiveness, peace, and letting go and I was able to breathe these intentions into my body and into my bones.

I was able to sit with myself, my struggles, my life events, and then the fear, and the messiness of being a sensitive human. I realized that the fear was false, perfectionism is not real, and I am allowed to be whatever I am in the moment, and I am worthy of love despite my messiness! All humans are! I was able to allow forgiveness to wash over me and uncover peace. I was able to let go of these false thoughts because I know logically and intuitively they are NOT me.

It’s ridiculous to think my worth is based on random thoughts in my head. I was reminded of a quote that I often share with clients - do not believe every thought you think! Your thoughts are not your truth!! Why? Well, our thoughts are based on the world inside of us and also the world outside of us. There are no answers in the world outside of ourselves, so by letting go of the external world and turning our gaze inward we begin to find our own personal truth.

Through allowing myself to be messy, imperfect, and loving the shit out of that broken-hearted girl inside me there began a spark, and through meditating on the ridiculousness of my thoughts, the silly notion that I am not worthy or good enough or lovable because I’m not 100% and the overall absurdity of the whole thing (being alive). The clouds in my head broke and I started to bask in the sunshine of my own heart and the infinite wellspring of love and courage and resilience that radiates from deep within me.

I know that every time my heart breaks and I find myself lost, I come back to myself stronger, more resilient, more compassionate, more patient, and more loving. I’m proud of my path and I’m proud of this person I’m always becoming.

So! After a full 7 days of struggle and then stillness, reflection on worth and lovability, and strong energetic recalibration through falling in love with myself again, has left me feeling more aligned and centered than ever.

TBH, I’m also wandering through Asia so that definitely helps ;)

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

― Frank Herbert

Let’s be messy silly imperfect humans that have beautiful intentions and learn from our mistakes and become better every day <3

I’d love to hear your story about how you overcame Imposter Syndrome! Message me + let’s chat!

Discovering Ourselves at Rock Bottom

Shamans know Rock Bottom is a deeply transformative place.

As we go through life, occasionally we find ourselves laid out on the floor of Rock Bottom; this is a natural part of living, growing and evolving. Rock Bottom happens eventually or suddenly, quietly or loudly, it affects all of us without bias, and can happen when we lose a job, or partner, or something else we considered ‘stable’ or ‘long lasting.’ We find ourselves here due to emotional upheaval and chaos, mental stress, health issues, spiritual confusion, a loss of a loved one, and many other reasons. Rock Bottom happens, shit happens but most importantly, Shift Happens.

I’ve learned to appreciate Rock Bottom because of the deeply transformative healing that can occur here. Rock bottom is a sacred initiation that cracks us open and allows us to shed old identities to reveal the light of our true selves.

Think about it for a second.

When you are falling you feel like you are failing and therefore you are flailing. There is nothing to hold on to, no one to grasp, there is no life line to hold. You can’t learn anything while you fall - except for how to fall. Sometimes all you can do is exist moment to moment. You are alone, no one can save you, survival is your only focus, your breath is your only friend. Things are breaking around and inside of you - your heart, your illusions, your patterns, your stories, your deeply engrained belief systems, and perhaps your sense of self and who you thought you were.

Perhaps around this time, we reach for a familiar coping skill and find ourselves confused because for some reason it (alcohol, drugs food, etc) doesn’t feel cozy or ‘good’ anymore… this is because as we fall we begin to learn, and a truth a lot of us discover here is that our old coping skill (that used to keep us safe and ‘protected’) is now the one thing responsible for us being kept us separate from the whole. Coping skills are things we learned to help us survive, but as we evolve we end up out-growing coping skills. It can be so scary when the things we used to reach for comfort are no longer comfortable. We are breaking the shell of our illusion.

We are rapidly unlearning the patterns and beliefs that were illusions of safety. Perhaps we begin to see through the illusions of the people around us; are your friends really your friends? A lot of us notice that as we get healthier and set boundaries we lose people around us that benefited from us having no boundaries. Perhaps we begin to see through the lies we told ourselves. Grasping for perfection or self righteousness in ourselves or others are destroyed when those hopes and expectations turn to ash and we realize that just like others, we are flawed. (The good news is that this is okay! More on that later…)

Even though Rock Bottom sucks, it might feel somewhat familiar - we’ve been here before. It’s a scary place because things feel so broken, but in the brokenness there is a deep vulnerability and therefore, the best medicine for us: healing potential.

Maybe we went through something again that we already experienced and we are so frustrated with ourselves, beating ourselves up for making the same mistake again - but maybe we didn’t learn the lesson well enough the first time, so the universe gave us another chance. Or maybe we did learn the lesson, but got too comfortable and forgot, and the universe challenged us with the same problem to see if our self awareness shifted. We can make the same choice with more awareness and more experience. Or maybe the universe is challenging us to be brave and choose something harder this time: perhaps choosing ourselves over another and risking loss and the unknown rather than staying in the familiar.

Here, the only thing we can do is allow ourselves to fall, and break, and be sad, and feel all the emotions that we are feeling. We writhe in uncomfortability, and yell, and curse the universe, How dare you! Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? All I want is to be happy! Fuck! Here we find a pregnant place of potential where we face the pain head on: we emote, we express, we cry, we journal, we write, we sit with the hurt, betrayal, and confusion. We sit with the pain and the different versions of ourselves (inner child etc) and we learn a valuable lesson: the way not around the pain, it is through.

It is in dialogue with pain that many beautiful things acquire their value.

―Alain de Botton

Once we find ourselves here at Rock Bottom, once we have sat with our pain, accepted it and therefore accepted ourselves completely, faults and all, we begin to flow with it and through it, and eventually we begin to dance with it.

Here, true healing can begin because there is such weighted stillness, there is deafening silence, there is alone-ness, and there is spaciousness to heal, because there is such emptiness. This is bittersweet and it is hopeful: when something is empty is has the capacity to be filled.

For the first time, we take a big deep breath and face the things that we’ve been avoiding, and we face them alone. No friend, lover, parent or peer can help you here. We are here alone with all our patterns, all our wounds and insecurities. Here is the magical space we can begin to fill up our emptiness with whatever we want. Here we can start to rebuild ourselves, with a solid foundation that we can only get from being at Rock Bottom. Also, if you have noticed my use of the word ‘we’ rather than ‘you,’ it is very purposeful. Even though we are alone in this process, we all go through this at different times, phases and stages of our lives, and therefore, we are united in this void, and I think there is something gorgeous about this grief.

At Rock Bottom, the only one who can pick you up is yourself. You can call on the wisdom of your Older Self, or your trust in the universe (which is also you.) And so we begin again, a fresh start, a leg to stand on, we begin again. We start listening to podcasts, reading books, writing, journaling, creating, seeing joy in the little things - flowers in the cracks of sidewalks, the way the moon looks, the rays of the sun through the clouds, the laughter of a friend. We start to heal in the tiny moments that sew our heart back together. We start to heal by connecting to the innate wisdom that is us, that is our breath, that is our inner knowing that our current situation is not our final destination. We begin to realize that there is a silver cord throughout our life connecting us to synchronicity; and this perhaps this chaotic upheaval that we suffered through was (maybe, violently) redirecting us to a different path. We look back on all our prior Rock Bottoms and see how they guided us to be different, to be better, to be stronger, more resilient, more kind, more loving, more understanding, and most importantly more compassionate toward ourselves and others.

When we are in pain we are more vulnerable, open, and connected to everyone else. When we are in pain we can sit with other’s pain wholly, with empathy, and a deep understanding. We realize that we heal, not to handle the trauma, but to be able to hold the future joy; the joy that is imminent and just around the corner. We only have to allow ourselves to break, and fall, and dissolve; and gently, with patience and tenderness, pick ourselves up and eventually reach back out and engage in life: to chose to begin again, no matter how much it hurts.

I realized a long time ago that every time my heart breaks, it breaks open to hold more love, to hold more vulnerability, more compassion, and therefore to be able to hold more of me.

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”

~ Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

In the past, I’ve held on to things for a while, and to quote someone from TikTok, those things that I held onto have claw marks on them from how much I loved them; but I, as we all do, inevitably learn to let go. Life isn’t about avoiding pain, it’s about jumping in and joining the dance. It’s about saying yes to the things that feel good regardless of the possible outcome. It’s about living fully with no regrets.

Lately, when I have suffered through breakups I truly feel into that loss, wholly and sacredly. I sit with myself at Rock Bottom and feel everything and when I feel ready, I begin again. As I get older I’ve come to realize that in relationships, I give my all, and I’m proud of myself for that. No matter the outcome, I’m able to walk away knowing that I gave such big love, and they most likely needed that.

When death finds you, may it find you alive.

~ African Proverb

So be patient with yourself as you win and as you fail. Be compassionate to yourself, your emotions, your mind, and your body. Forgive yourself for not understanding and forgive others for not understanding. Take care of your body, hydrate and don’t underestimate the power of a salt bath or a really good cry. Don’t forget to pause, take a moment to yourself, and connect with your breath. Most of all be gentle with yourself, you are learning, and you are only getting better, flaws and all.

Xoxo

Jess

Note:

This blog is brought to you by the year 2024, it was not my favorite.

I lost several friends, most notably one of my best friends, Tiffany Barsotti. I also left a relationship, sadly but intentionally, with someone who I thought was my forever.

the four selves

Or as I call them - the Four Jess’s.

I came up with this concept deep in meditation and reflection with the BioCybernaut Institute in Sedona. Here, they measure your brain waves and teach you how to get into alpha state in order to do deep internal work on your subconscious; you can access deep subconscious healing with forgiveness and compassion through finding truths, previously hidden.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

- Dr. Carl Jung

Something that we all know - forgiveness can be really hard. In my time of reflection and solitude in a dark room in Sedona - it occurred to me why forgiveness can be so difficult.

The answer I found is: because we are made up of different versions of ourself - so there are different people inside you that have to be in agreement in order to give permission to fully forgive.

Now, I’ve already written some blogs on forgiveness - you can find one here. However, this is a brand new concept, an evolved method of forgiveness, if you will.

Say you were hurt when you were really small, which may have made you sad, or feel powerless or hopeless.

Perhaps you were angry and vengeful as a teenager.

Now, because some time has passed, you can look back on it logically without getting too triggered (although you still might get a little triggered.) Compassionate thoughts like “they were doing their best with the information they had,” may float around in your awareness.

Perhaps in 40 years you can look back on it and be completely at peace with it.

These are the Four Selves - these selves not only have to feel the feelings, but have to allow external expression of them in order to approve Full Forgiveness. Let me explain:

The little self

The little self is most likely the one that got hurt. How you got hurt will vary from person to person. Maybe you weren’t physically cared for, maybe you weren’t emotionally cared for, maybe you weren’t mentally cared for, and maybe your life circumstances didn’t provide safety or stability to feel cared for.

This makes the Little Self sad; feelings of despair arise, feelings of ‘I’m not worthy,’ ‘I’m not loveable,’ will come up here. Feelings of ‘I’m unsafe,’ ‘I don’t belong,’ can arise here. Feelings of shame can arise here because ‘If I was good enough this wouldn’t have happened to me.’

Sound familiar?

There can be no forgiveness without acknowledging and fully feeling the emotions.

Why?

Because your heart and your head have two different consciousnesses. Logically reasoning something in your head doesn’t access your emotions or allow you to feel in your heart, and forgiveness is a feeling, not a thought.

Let’s allow the little self to be sad, to cry, to yell, to sob, to despair, to deeply feel the feelings of sadness, AND to allow those feelings to become unstuck in our body and be expressed.

So, we emote and express the emotion; after all emotions are energy in motion, and we feel things to heal them. This is the opposite of shoving things down, compartmentalizing, and ‘I’ll deal with that later,’ mindsets. We are pulling these emotions out of being stuck in our body to be processed, live their entire life span (beginning, climax, resolution) and therefore actualized and finally released.

the teenage self

Because the Little Self cannot protect itself, our Teenage Self avenges the Little Self. It has to, because now, it can! The Teenage Self is smarter, bigger and physically stronger than the Little Self. The Teenage Self has access to more resources, coping skills, concepts, wisdom, friends, therapists, counselors.

So, outwardly - we might rebel, we might steal, smoke, drink, yell; or inwardly - we get depressed and implode on ourselves, self harm, become introverted, stay away from people, isolate, maybe we take things personally, or out on other people.

This of course will look different to different people. The way we react will always vary based on our environment and personality.

The idea here is the Teenage Self is now protecting the Little Self, and it will do it anyway it can.

So what do we do?

Once again, we allow the emotions. We allow ourselves to fully feel the hatred, resentment, and betrayal. We allow ourselves to feel these emotions as we felt them as a teenager and once again we express them.

To help process this rage we might hit a pillow with a baseball bat, find our nearest Rage Room, listen to angry music to allow the fullest expression of these emotions. We might write letters we never send to those who have harmed them.*

This is cathartic for the Teenage Self.

the current self

Now we are older and wiser, and have the ability to intellectualize concepts: ‘My dad was this way because his dad was this way.’ ‘My parents did the best they could with the resources they had.’ ‘Therapy was taboo when my parents grew up.’ These are enlightening realizations, no doubt, but it still does nothing for our Little Self that was deeply injured and couldn’t protect itself and our Teenage Self that needs someone to answer for the crimes committed against the Little Self.

Time has given us space to heal, but if we don’t allow our Little Self to cry, and our Teenage Self to rage, and both to express this outwardly, the process is incomplete. Mentally understanding an emotional concept does nothing because it’s not on the same wavelength nor does it speak the same language.

Here we must accept the feelings and allow our Little Self and Teenage self to express these emotions without judgment. To allow yourself to hit rock bottom, to fall in a puddle sobbing or howl at the moon.

Now, some of us do not feel like we have certain emotions, or that certain emotions don’t have an affect on them. I’ve met a lot of people who claim they never get angry and yet have uncontrollable sugar addictions. I find whatever emotion you definitely don’t think is a problem - is definitley a problem - and in dialogue with it you can find fertile soil for self inquiry and evolution.

If you have trouble accessing these emotions try my concept on Emotion Hacking:

1. If you can’t access sadness - try watching a sad movie about a dog, trust me you’ll cry.

2. If you can’t access anger - try listening to the angry or angsty music you loved in high school.

3. If you can’t access those old feelings - get a sound healing session with me and we’ll bring them right up to the surface to work on them.

The point of Emotion Hacking is sometimes we have trouble accessing certain emotions, this is normal, so we use an external stimulus (a sad movie or angry music) to pull up resonance in our internal space.

the old self

The Old Self is wise, the Old Self has lived so long and seen everything you have grown through. The Old Self is the version of you who has allowed the Little Self to cry, the Teenage Self to yell, and the Current Self to heal by feeling and responsibly expressing.*

The Old Self is who you needed when you were younger. The Old Self has compassion for all Selves AND all the people involved in the circumstances that resulted in injury. This is because the Old Self is all of your expressions of self and also has a grander perspective having transcended the stormy seas of your youth, your pain and your suffering.

This next part is a Thought Experiment so try this on like you were trying on a T-shirt - if it fits keep it, and if it doesn’t take it off:

Quantum Physics says that the present moment, right now, is the only thing that is technically real. So if we access all Four Selves in the present moment we are Little, Teenage, Current and Old together, united - therefore by feeling all the emotions and allowing the physical expression of those emotions we can find forgiveness because we've received permission from all the Four Selves, because we’ve allowed them to feel, to express, and to be witnessed by all other Selves.

Here we can release the binds and emotions that hold us captive to these past harmful circumstances or people - in this spaciousness of acceptance and surrender, through feeling and healthy expression, and then letting go of expectation.

feel the feelings and then rest in the spaciousness

Once you allow yourself to feel all the feelings you might find there is a sensation of spaciousness, of lightness and freedom. You might have more compassion and true forgiveness because you didn’t try to gloss over your own pain. In accepting our pain and dialoguing with it we deepen our understanding of ourselves, and therefore others.

When we forgive ourselves we can more easily forgive others, when we allow our emotional expression we can sit easier with the emotional expression of others.

~

Try it on and let me know what you think!

~

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

—Rumi

*Expressing responsibly is important and an internal journey. You don’t have to do it alone and can have a vulnerability buddy. You are allowed to feel angry; just make sure you are being emotionally responsible by not blaming or yelling at others. You are allowed to hit a pillow with a baseball bat - that does not affect anyone else negatively. This is about YOU and your feelings.

shame

SHAME

Shame is a powerful and often overwhelming emotion that can be difficult to shake off. It is the feeling that we are flawed, inadequate, or unworthy of love and acceptance. Shame can be triggered by a wide range of experiences, from small mistakes to major life events, and it can have a significant impact on our mental and emotional well-being. It's the feeling that we are not good enough or that we have done something wrong, and it often leads to a sense of isolation and disconnection from others.

Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. ~ Brene Brown

When we experience shame, we believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, and that we are different or separate from the people around us. This can be incredibly isolating and can lead to feelings of loneliness and despair.

In my opinion, shame and guilt are some of the worst feelings a human can feel because of how sticky they are - they’re like quicksand and the more you feel them the more they suck you under. I believe this happens because of my belief in past lives, and ancestral and intergenerational trauma that goes all the way back in time, but remembered and/or echoed through DNA. Once upon a time when we were in nomadic tribes we depended on community for survival - if you did something bad you were potentially exiled from your community. This exile could have and would have meant death. I think it’s possible shame and guilt feel so awful because they bring up past-life memories and emotions of despair and threaten death.

Luckily for all of us, it IS possible to break the cycle of shame. The first step is to recognize and acknowledge and NAME our feelings of shame. We must be willing to confront our shame head-on and recognize that it is a normal and natural emotion - just like all other emotions. Remember all your Emotions are Like Puppies, and they are all valid.

Another effective approach is to challenge the negative beliefs that underlie our feelings of shame. Remember - we parent ourselves like our parents did when we are stressed. In the absence of our parents, we can become our biggest critic. Question where those internal voices are coming from - see if you can reframe that Critical Judge Self to perhaps a Supportive and Benevolent Coach. By questioning the validity of our negative self-talk and reframing our thoughts in a more positive light, we can begin to shift our perspective and feel more confident in ourselves.

I like to put sticky notes around my house reminding me “I did the best that I could in that moment,” “I can always try better tomorrow,” “I’m doing great.” So that every time my negative self talk may arise there is a sticky note not too far in the distance cheering me on. This begins to create a feedback loop: negative thought arises -> we feel it -> we find it in our body and name it -> we accept and breathe that this is all a part of being human -> we create a new thought -> if the negative thought is still there, that’s okay, -> begin again at step 1.

Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know before you learned it ~ Brene Brown

This is my favorite quote from Brene Brown. I believe there are no such thing as mistakes - only lessons that help us grow into the people we have always been on the inside. Another way to overcome shame is to practice self-compassion. This means treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, rather than judgment and criticism.

Allow yourself to grow through what you go through.

I believe that we are the people we needed when we were younger.

Let that sink in for a second.

We are, in our current self, the exact people we needed when we were younger. Allow yourself to go back in time and give the little version of yourself exactly what they needed. Re-parent yourselves with loving-kindness, listen to your inner self with compassionate understanding.

Ultimately, overcoming shame requires us to be brave and vulnerable. It means acknowledging our flaws and mistakes, and accepting ourselves as we are - beautifully flawed and perfectly imperfect. When we are able to do this, we can break free from the cycle of shame and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

The fear of judgment and rejection can prevent us from being our authentic selves and can even lead to self-destructive behaviors. It's important to recognize and address feelings of shame in order to live a more fulfilling life. Just like I wrote about in Vulnerability: A Superpower, there is strength and alchemical gold in being vulnerable because it helps you connect more authentically to others.

Alchemy

I believe in the magic of Alchemy, or turning non-gold materials into gold through magic. Circumstances of our life will happen to us and AND for us; it is up to us to extract the gems of truth from these ordinary or unfortunate experiences and transmute them into gold.

I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom. ~ Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The story of the lotus in Buddhism reminds me of alchemizing our life experiences and transforming them into enlightenment. The lotus starts its life from the bottom of a dirty pond, it grows upwards towards the light until finally transforming into the beautiful lotus flower that sits above the muddy water, becoming the illuminated flower that we all know and love. This is like us through life - we are born under certain conditions that we must grow upwards and expand beyond. Throughout life we are searching for the light - whether that is love, our purpose, money, etc. We stretch and reach towards this goal until finally achieving it and blossoming open above the mucky muck, reaping all the goodness that we have sown in the sunlight of this awareness.

This is the same with alchemizing our shame and vulnerability into gold for others. Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, so by sharing our experiences with others, we can begin to build more meaningful connections with the people around us.

don’t ‘should’ on yourself!

There is no such thing as something you should have done. It simply doesn’t exist. What if the only thing that is truly real is this moment we’re having? You did your best at the time, with the knowledge that you had, and regardless of the outcome you have gained wisdom.

This is important: you did not walk away empty handed, you have an expanded awareness of the situation; you have gained wisdom and experience that you can apply to future circumstances.

Everything in your life has lead you to the moment you’re having right now. If you like where you are then nothing you have done can be seen as a mistake. If you don’t like where you are, instead of kicking yourself, focus your energy here in the present moment.

The magic of the present moment is what builds and blossoms your future. Changing your actions right now can create a new path forward. If you tried to plant a garden every year in the same place with the same seeds, and every year it didn’t work - wouldn’t you try changing something? We as humans are just more complex gardens :)

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I remember going through a difficult break up and thinking “I should have done this,” “if only I did this,” and then having an epiphany that our hearts HAVE to break throughout our life! This happens for us so our hearts can expand and hold more love. This is the whole philosophy of Kintsugi - the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold - making something that broke even more beautiful than it was before it broke.

Everyone has cracks, that’s how the light gets in. ~ Leonard Cohen

Ultimately, the key to overcoming shame lies in cultivating self-compassion and self-love. By recognizing our inherent worth and treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we can begin to heal the wounds that shame has caused and move towards a more fulfilling and authentic life.

By acknowledging and accepting our experiences and emotions, we can begin to work through them and find ways to move forward. By sitting with our discomfort, and practicing being comfortable being uncomfortable we begin to detach from these emotions. Rather than “I am shameful” we realize “shame is visiting us.” This gives us permission to feel what we feel without judgement.

Once again:

Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know before you learned it ~ Brene Brown

*I highly recommend listening to Brene Brown’s various youtube videos and podcasts on shame! She is highly informative, an amazing and compassionate educator and a deep listener <3

vulnerability: a superpower

Vulnerability is an essential part of the human experience. It is the state of being exposed to the possibility of harm or damage, either physically or emotionally. Vulnerability is often viewed negatively, associated with weakness or frailty. However, it is important to recognize that vulnerability can also be a source of strength and growth; a superpower.

Like most of us ‘black sheep,’ Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s), empaths and/or lightworkers, I used to think feeling my feelings so deeply and expressing my vulnerability was a curse. But it also felt inauthentic to feel things so deeply without sharing them because I longed for connection despite feeling isolated in my depression. I read somewhere (later in life) that when you’re depressed you’re actually more connected to the collective than when you’re happy. Depression will lie to you and tell you you’re alone, but in that moment of your darkest hour you’re more connected to everyone else than ever before. I think this is because we all experience pain, but not all of us are able or privileged enough to experience the highest of highs. What I have come to realize through my experiences of long term anxiety and depression throughout my teens and early 20’s is that sometimes the lowest of lows allow me to know what the highest of highs feel like. It’s like without the lows as a baseline - how would I know how high the highs get?

People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses. ~ Brene Brown

Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness or a flaw. It's something we can try to hide from others and even from ourselves. However, vulnerability can be a strength that can help us bond more deeply with others and become more resilient in the face of life's challenges. Have you ever shared something with someone who accepted and loved you despite what you shared? Remember the amount of love and gratitude and appreciation you felt for that relationship?

…the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. ~ Dr. Suess

strength in vulnerability

I started to realize feeling everything so deeply wasn’t a bad thing, it connected me to more people, it made me more compassionate, patient and more understanding of what my fellow human was growing through.

This is the lesson of the Throat Chakra teaches us power through vulnerability - sharing our truth brings the people together and completes the circle. Storytelling connects us through weaving threads of dialogue and finding resonant nodes and related topics. When we share our wounds and truth, others feel more comfortable sharing, which opens hearts, expands minds, and deepens relationships.

Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage. ~ Brene Brown

The planetary alignments and retrogrades we experienced at the end of 2022 really put me into an introverted, reflective state where I was reeling from such intense unworthiness and feelings undeserving of the life I live. These emotions and feelings were so intense I was beginning to implode into myself so I decided instead of letting these emotions direct my downward spiral, I would shine a light into this darkness and share them with my friends and boyfriend instead.

As SOON as I shared my emotions they sighed, releasing their breath and the heaviness that came with it, “me too,” they said. Through sharing our vulnerability and being so honest with ourselves and each other - and supporting each other through working with our own brand of feelings, we were able to relax fully into ourselves, our truth, and each other.

Vulnerability can also be a source of strength in difficult times. When we are vulnerable, we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions, even if they are painful. This can be difficult, but it can also help us to move through difficult experiences and come out stronger on the other side.

In order to embrace vulnerability as a superpower, we must learn to be kind to ourselves. We must recognize that vulnerability is a sign of courage and strength. We must also be willing to be patient with ourselves and with others, as this can be a slow and sometimes challenging process.

When we are vulnerable, we create deeper ties with the people around us. It requires trust, and when we are willing to share our true selves with others, we create an environment of trust and understanding.

Vulnerability; a superpower

Vulnerability can be scary. It requires us to let go of control and trust that others will not use our vulnerabilities against us. It can be difficult to be honest and open about our struggles and weaknesses, especially in a world that often values strength and independence above all else. This can be terrifying because it makes us feel exposed and open to judgment, but it can also be incredibly empowering.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. ~ Brene Brown

By being vulnerable, we are being authentic and honest and therefore we can create deeper connections with others. We acknowledge our emotions and our limitations, we become more resilient in the face of challenges, and learn to be more compassionate to ourselves.

So, the next time you feel afraid to be vulnerable, remember that it can actually be a source of strength and power. By embracing vulnerability, we give ourselves permission to be imperfect, and we show others that it's okay to be imperfect too.

Through Vulnerability, we Alchemize our pain into a Superpower.

how to hack forgiveness

For over 10 years I have worked with a lot of people sharing their life stories with me. A lot of times people say what they are sharing is things they’ve never shared before, to anyone, ever. A couple patterns I notice about forgiveness is people wanting to forgive and being unable to, or jumping to forgiveness without being ready, or punishing themselves for not being able to forgive. This is common, but it’s something we need to unpack.

As humans we feel a full spectrum of emotions from sadness and anger, and jealousy to joy, happiness and ecstasy. For our time here and now as humans, all of these emotions are valid, as I’ve written about before in Emotions are like Puppies. You are allowed to feel anyway you want. If someone did something to you that is beyond forgiveness (which I have heard many stories where this could be the case) - it is okay to be unable to forgive them.

I know that might sound weird at first - but hear me out for a second. Forgiveness is amazing, it’s releasing, it burns the ties that bind, it’s incredible!

But!

Sometimes it takes time to fully achieve forgiveness and sometimes it is impossible to get there. If you punish yourself your whole life for being unable to forgive, you are suffering twice - once with the trauma and again torturing yourself for not being able to forgive; this is, of course, even worse for your mental and emotional well-being.

To get to true forgiveness, you have to feel ALL THE THINGS: the hatred, resentment, disgust, shame etc. because! jumping too quickly to forgiveness could be spiritually bypassing (i.e. ‘I need to forgive because I’m spiritual, woke, etc…’) or gaslighting yourself (i.e. ‘It wasn’t that bad, other people have it worse, I’m overreacting, etc.’)

Your feelings are valid. You don’t need to do anything. You are the main character in your own life.

It’s also possible if you jump too quickly to false forgiveness, later in life these unprocessed emotions like the unfelt anger, hatred and/or resentment could bubble up again when their effects are more intense. In my opinion, the reasons these emotions can be more intense than the initial ones is because they’ve become infected and irritated from being shut down and compartmentalized. We’ve all heard the phrase ‘what we resist, persists!’ In this case, falsely-forgiving emotions that have not properly gone through their entire life cycle (from birth to resolution) can become exaggerated and more aggressive from not being witnessed. We see the ill effects of this process when we witness projection - when we ‘project’ or overlay past hurts from past events on to current people in our current life.

So!

Here’s my secret hack to forgiveness*:

Instead of trying to forgive the other person for what they did to you - what if you forgave yourself for not being able to forgive the other person?

Interesting right?

In my mind, forgiveness works both ways. You can try and forgive the other person, but if that doesn’t work, why not switch the direction of the forgiveness. Maybe try this on and practice some self compassion and self mercy?

What does it feel like to forgive yourself for not being able to forgive?

What if you chose yourself first?

*Disclaimer: you do not have to agree :) this blog is written with the same philosophy of trying on a T-shirt - if it fits, great; if it doesn’t, take it off and try a new one ;)

Falling into the Trap of Productivity

…is a trap I know too well! “I am only worth something if I produce something,” “I haven’t done anything lately,” “I am so lazy, worthless…” “My friends will only like me if I show up for them constantly.” blah blah blah

YOU are a divine human BEING, not a human doing. You are allowed days of rest, days in bed, and especially skipping days of work or cancelling clients if you are not feeling up to it! Your chores and work is always waiting for you - but that special moment, concert, sunset, festival, travel option might not appear again. The more you show up for yourself, the more you have room in your heart to show up for others!! Do not give from an empty cup!

For me, the New Moon in Capricorn that we experienced a few weeks ago, brought up a lot of vulnerability, old feelings of not feeling worthy, overexposed, overwhelmed, and not feeling like I was doing / producing enough. For example - my goal this year was to try and create newsletters every month, but what I came to realize was I can only write and send newsletters when they feel 100% authentic. I can only pour out my complete and raw truth, and if I don’t have anything to share in that moment, it feels fake and false to send something that is not 100% from my heart and soul. I shared these sentiments with some friends a few weeks ago they sighed loudly with their hands over their hearts saying “THANK YOU! I have felt this exact same way for weeks!!”

Lately, in my sessions, I have noticed that I have been tuning a lot of right shoulders / heart - boundaries, left hips - unmet needs, and high hearts - your wings & feeling free to be yourself, to express yourself, to be seen… You are allowed to be seen for exactly who you are - a perfectly imperfect being who is doing their best.

I, myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. ~ Augusten Burroughs

I’ve talked about this to my clients, and to be honest I’ve had to have this talk with myself… follow me on this thought experiment: the fact that we’re here, living and breathing on this beautiful planet with this incredible nature and amazing sunsets and fantastic friends - is ridiculous and impossible.

How can this be? We happen to be born on this amazing rock floating through this vast space with other magical celestial bodies; the rock that we’re travelling on happens to have the perfect ratio of oxygen for us to breath, the most excellent amount of water for us to swim and even different temperatures for all needs?! We all have a favorite animal, color, crystal and flower from this rock. We all remember a perfect sunset, an epic day and a lover or friend who changed our lives forever. The possibility of having all of this good luck in a ‘vacuum’ seems to me, very low. And yet, here we are, having belly laughs that are so great and boisterous that they hurt, seeing something so beautiful that we cry, experiencing something that moves in such a way it changes our lives forever.

In my thought-experiment-opinion - none of us should be here, yet we are. None of us should be so lucky, but we are.

SO…

What if… because none of those things are probable or possible, and yet they are our reality… What if … anything is possible? What if everything is possible?

:)

So relax into being and relax into breathing. Breathe into being and breathe into relaxing.

Allow your mind to fill your body with consciousness, awareness, presence and peace - allowing for space and expansion in the vastness of yourself.

You are exactly where you should be, having the experience you are having in order for your soul’s next greatest evolution. You are home and you belong here.

<3 <3 <3

The Dark Night of the Soul

What is the Dark Night of the Soul?

The Dark Night of the Soul generally refers to a period in your life around 27-30 years old (and around 55 ish and 86ish) when Saturn returns to it’s natal placement in your astrological chart. It takes this long because of how far away Saturn is from the sun. Saturn is known as the strict disciplinarian of the zodiac, so when Saturn returns back to his original placement in your natal chart - he’s checking up on you. He wants to know if you’re living the life you’re supposed to - if yes, then great, your Saturn Return will be easy, but if not, you will experience Saturn’s wrath (for your own good) through the Dark Night of the Soul.

The Dark Night of the Soul is when Saturn returns only to witness you not living your life in alignment with your path of who you are and why you came. He will shake you emotionally, physically, emotionally and spiritually until you have no choice but to let go of everything that you’ve been holding onto, in order to make room for your soul’s purpose, your true life path, your destiny.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

Before I go into my story, please note that what happened to me is mine, not yours :) I am not saying our Dark Night of the Soul will be the same as we are on our own unique path :)

My Dark Night of the Soul (trigger warning: SA)

My Dark Night of the Soul started around 27 years old. I remember it clearly because of how traumatizing it was (*laughs in hindsight). I had never experienced such intense anxiety in my entire life; depression - yes, but constant panic attacks - no. At the time I was living in California and working a lot - around 40-50+ hours at my subtle energy laboratory job, I was going through Yoga Teacher Training at Corepower, and I was learning Pranic Healing and Biofield Tuning all at the same time. It was a time of great mental expansion, busyness but complete overwhelm and emotional exhaustion.

I was unhappy with my job. Even though the job itself was amazing, there was a lot going on in the background that made me very uncomfortable. I was tired, and between the panic attacks and having trouble sleeping, I kept feeling this constant ‘doom’ on the horizon. I was afraid for the future because I knew I was not showing up for myself, and I knew enough to know that meant trouble. At this moment in my life I was also trying to be raw vegan / vegetarian, which is the opposite of what I should eat based on my Ayurvedic Dosha (Vata) but I did not have this wisdom until later.

There was a very specific chronology of what began to unfold. At the time, on top of everything I was learning, I was also trying to date - because as a Vata, ADHD person, why NOT try to do everything, all at once! I met a man I was interested in, he was very intelligent, charming, and in alignment with my career path. I thought I could trust him, but this was a lie and I was eventually was raped by him.

A few nights later, San Diego was experiencing one of the heaviest thunder, lightening and rainstorms we had in a very long time. I love thunder, lightening and rain so I decided to take a yoga class and stretch while the sky was expressing itself. As I left the studio there were two beautiful golden retrievers that had been left by their (irresponsible) owner to suffer in the storm. Unfortunately, these gorgeous doggos had been outside for at least an hour so they were very scared and super anxious. I could feel their stress in my own body, but I had to walk past them to get to my car, so as I walked by I put my hand up separating them from my body, and one of them jumped up and bit my hand.

When the he bit me, it felt like it hit a nerve and shot all the way up my arm, through my shoulder and into my neck (C1) and the word BETRAYAL screamed loudly in my mind. It wasn’t a bad bite, but because I had just come from a hot yoga class my hand started bleeding everywhere. I went back inside and cleaned off in the sink. Everyone in the yoga studio was super concerned but to me, it wasn’t THAT big of a deal. It wasn’t a bad bite, the dogs were scared because their dad abandoned them in the thunder and rain outside, and they were sharing a message. I shared their message with the owner and went home.

Reflecting on this event later in the evening, the word BETRAYAL resonated so deeply with me, being that I had just undergone an intense betrayal and so had the dogs; we resonated at these nodes and (in my mind) that’s why they felt safe to share this message with me.

A few days later I was in a Biofield Tuning class with Eileen playing with my hair (it helps me focus) and I touched the back of my head... When I tell you the lymph nodes on the bottom back of my head were the size of tennis balls I mean it. I was absolutely terrified. Not wanting to interrupt class and alarm the other students I waited to talk to Eileen and have her assess my head. I had already shared the recent events with her so together we were solving the puzzle as to why this happened and what this was.

My mind was very activate with fear - because I had gotten bit by an animal, a small part of me was afraid it was rabies and I counted that I had 7 days left to live (as rabies in humans is fatal). I also knew that the SA had something to do with it, which deepened my fear. Even though I perceive physical ailments the result of emotional / mental / spiritual things suddenly for the first time in a long time, my body didn’t feel safe, and that was terrifying.

I called my friend Tiffany Barsotti who is my spiritual counselor, medical medium, one of my best friends and the most in-tune people I’ve ever met in my life. I told her everything and over the phone, she tapped into my body and felt “shingles.” I told her there was no way, as I was young - and wasn’t shingles an old person’s disease??

A few days later I went to my Naturopath and got a blood test and, low and behold, Tiffany was right- it was shingles. A little patch had started to form in my neck, and then the pain in my shoulder, neck and face began. The pain was one of the worse pains I’ve ever had in my life, every time I spoke, yawned, sneezed or moved there would be a sharp pain from my shoulder that radiated electrically all the way up into the entire side of my face. It felt like someone was taking a cleaver to my nerve endings. It was awful.

The Naturopath I trusted put me on homeopathic remedies, natural topical pain-relief creams and for the next two weeks I smoked a lot of weed, rested, journaled, meditated, and reflected. I learned that shingles, according to Dr. Louise Hay means, “waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fear and tension, too sensitive.” This resonated deeply with me as I knew I wasn’t living my true path and that I was being called away to a different life but I wasn’t listening.

Saturn was shaking me by the shoulders, and in my weakened state I was finally listening. Saturn had made me let go of everything that I was holding (yoga, work, social life, school) so I could finally hear the song of my soul. I thought about the first trauma, perhaps too easily trusting and lack of boundaries (not victim blaming or gaslighting myself, just considering a different maneuver in the future). I thought about the second trauma with the dog yelling BETRAYAL with that shockwave going up my arm: was I betraying myself? My truth? My path? I thought about the shingles - waiting for the other shoe to drop… If I didn’t leave this life that was no longer serving me, while this other life was pulling my hair, screaming at me to do so, what else was my physical body going to have to go through?

I healed surprisingly fast, or maybe not so surprisingly as all my friends in California are healers of different kinds; they cooked me food, they let me use their energy healing devices, they did distance sessions on me and I was able to heal myself by getting to the root of why this happened in in the first place.

After completely surrendering to this pain and to my Dark Night I was ready to live my most authentic life that was waiting for me on the other side; so I decided to leave my job and travel the world.

Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. ~ Rumi

I started in Bali with my best friend Laura with no plan and I ended up traveling for 9 months. Through synchronicity I met my best friend David in Bali, with whom I adventured with throughout the entire island. I went to Borneo because as a child I was obsessed with Duck Tales (Duck Tales fans understand).

I went to India and worked the International Yoga Festival in Rishikesh and while living there I urban explored the Beatles Ashram (#lifegoal) and later found another best friend, Leah. Together, Leah and I went to one of the first Hindu temples for sunrise and the Taj Mahal together.

I left India for Nepal also by synchronicity (Read my Everest Blog here) and solo Hiked Mount Everest for my 30th birthday (#soulactivation) and fell in love in Pokhara, a lakeside village. After Nepal, I went to live in Ireland with Gillian, a best friend I had met through synchronicity on the plane to Nepal.

I traveled to Switzerland teaching Biofield Tuning and then to Spain with the other friends I made along the way (through synchronicity of course). I went cliff jumping and island hopping in Croatia, visited the small beaches of Bosnia Herzegovina and ate my way through Italy.

The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed. ~ Joseph Campbell

It was the most magical trip of my life and the best thing I’ve ever done for myself (besides doing Ayahuasca in Peru). Before I left, the only countries planned were Bali, Malaysia and India; the rest I left up to the universe. On this trip I lost myself, I found myself, I discovered and uncovered aspects of myself that I could only find by being alone with myself. I became braver, more curious, my intuition expanded, my heart and international family grew. The world became smaller and more friendly as I walked around it.

The moral of this story is - live your life the way YOU want to. No one else knows your path except you. If something is calling to you, it’s calling to you for a reason. If there is something that you’ve always wanted to do, do it! There is no time like the present.

Listen to your inner voice and follow your heart.

Ego death

This blog was inspired by the ebb and flow of 2022’s double eclipse season, 6 planet retrograde autumn, a naturally occurring Mercury retrograde that shows up whenever you don’t need it to (joking joking) and a Mars in Gemini to make the end of 2022 extra spicy.

~

imposter syndrome

July 13th 2022 was the Full Moon in Capricorn, which, I don’t know about you guys, but gave me the BIGGEST imposter syndrome of my life! I was in the middle of transitioning homes again (as usual) and I couldn’t shake this feeling of unease and uncomfortability in my own skin.

“Who am I? What am I doing? Does BT still work? Does Sonic Soul Retrieval transcend the depths like I think it does? Am I kidding myself? How did I get this far in life when I feel like such a failure at 35? What’s next for me? Is there anything that could be greater than my life so far? Is it just a downward spiral from here?”

I was questioning the very fabric of my own existence.

Thanks to (and sometimes to the detriment of) my inner monologue - it reminded me what I was learning in a Shamanism course: healing is not fixing all the parts you don’t like about yourself - it’s finding love and acceptance for those parts too.

~ big deep breath ~

Remember - perfection is a myth.

For the earth signs about to disagree: it’s a myth. I promise. It’s one of the only things I can say with 100% certainty. Perfection argues there are no mistakes… and we all know that is not reality. Like, that is not anyone’s reality, anywhere on the planet!!

We also know that the present moment is a gift and that’s why it’s called the present. Our future blossoms from our RIGHT NOW.

So.

What we can do RIGHT NOW?

Can you find patience, compassion and forgiveness for yourself? Can you return to your breath and find comfort in the discomfort?

Can you be okay with not being okay?

Sometimes all I can do is walk in nature, with the tree canopy over my head; and oftentimes that’s all it takes for me to come back to myself. Even if my head doesn’t make sense, nature always makes sense.

In other words, imposter syndrome is just another part of ourselves that we need to embrace and love, rather than reject and suppress. By acknowledging our imposter syndrome and accepting it as a natural part of our journey, we can move beyond its limitations and tap into our true potential. We can recognize that everyone feels this way!

The July 27th 2022 New Moon in Leo gave me hope and energy and optimism to write out what I wanted for the future. It breathed the light back into my Solar Plexus and blew the embers back into my Soul to spark the new-beginnings-energy of this moon. This moon whispered an Ayahuasca Ceremony toward me in order to root my intentions in all dimensions of myself. Getting clear with my intentions and making those intentions known to all corners of the multiverse.

ego* death

I have found (and many others too) that when you embark on an Ayahuasca ceremony you have what is known as an “ego death.” This means less of ME and more of WE, we start to be less concerned with the Avatar or the ‘self’ and become more concerned with All, or the Soul, or the ‘Self.’ When the ego dissolves, it makes way for a deeper awareness of the interconnectedness of all things. Ayahuasca allows all the extra stuff that we’ve layered on throughout life to be peeled away to get back to our chocolate-y nougat-y center.

What is you vs what your parents told you? Are you leading or are you following? What are your knee jerk reactions vs the ones you’ve been taught? Are you living your best life or are you afraid of your own light? What are your stories vs the ones you’ve been told? Through this process we are free to rewrite old stories and create new ones, based on our authentic experiences and inner truth.

To achieve ego death, we must be willing to confront our fears, doubts, and insecurities, in order to be open to the possibility of radical transformation.

'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid? '

'That is the only time a man can be brave.’ ~ Ned Stark

Ultimately, the experience of ego death and working through imposter syndrome can be so liberating!! It allows us to live more fully and authentically, with a greater sense of connection to ourselves, others, and the world around us. By embracing these processes, we can access our innermost truths, deepen our integrity, connect to our truth and live in alignment with our highest potential :)

Remember: You are made of divinity embodied stardust and you deserve to be here.

* Disclaimer - the ego is not necessarily a bad thing. Think of it as an angsty teen protecting the inner child. Wanting to ‘rid yourself of the ego’ is, of course, completely egoic! ‘Ego Death’ refers to the dissolution of what you identify as yourself during special circumstances i.e. plant medicine or intense spiritual awakenings.

Returning Your Sparkle, Your Childlike Essence

begin at the beginning… and go on ~ Lewis Carroll

It is never too late to start over and to try something new. The bravest people I know do this all the time. These sentiments remind me of the process I use in sound healing to return your sparkle and your childlike essence to you.

Remember, anything that is electrical produces a magnetic field perpendicular to itself. We are electrical and our Biofield is an electromagnetic field that surrounds us. As I work through your Biofield, I am able to hear and locate Paradigm Shifts, which are neither good nor bad, they just are. These can be times when a sibling was born, you moved houses, or a parent got a new job. These situations can create stress in which the body leaks light outside itself and into our field. As we age these pockets of light (biophotons) are trapped in standing waves in the field around our body that expand and move farther away as we get older, much like the rings of a tree.

As I gently move through the field discovering these pockets of light and guiding them back to the body the comments I receive are consistently “I feel so much lighter.” This is due to two reasons. One; we are returning light that has mass back to your body, so your body no longer has to hold up density outside itself. You feel lighter as in weightless. The second reason is because what we are returning is light particles, your literal sparkle! When those are integrated back into the body you feel lighter as in brightness!

If you want to think about this in mathematical terms, say you experienced a paradigm shift in which 10 Biophotons leaked into your field. For simplicity lets say these 10 Biophotons weigh 10 lbs each. 10 Biophotons x 10lbs each = 100 lbs of Biophotons are hanging out in your field. This means that 1. your body has lost 100lbs of Biophotons that it should have and is also having to 2. hold up 100lbs of Biophotons outside itself. So you could say the body is not only at a weakened state (losing weight) but also having to do more work (holding up weight where it shouldn’t be). These Biophotons are not bad, they are just lost pieces of you that desperately want to be reunited with you.

My perception of what I am shepherding back to you is: your light, your sparkle, your essence, your childlike wonder and awe for the world; essentially pieces of yourself that you have lost along the way due to unfortunate circumstance. It is truly a chance to begin again because these fragments of your self have been returned to your Self.

When we guide your sparkle back to you this also removes the ‘tracks that were laid down’ in early life. What I mean by this is someone who came into the world not feeling safe can create a life that feels unsafe, and can surround themselves with people who don’t feel safe (subconsciously) to gather evidence and confirm that life isn’t safe. When we return your sparkle we remove the ‘tracks’ that were laid down because those tracks are made of your light. The light or sparkle isn’t bad, because it’s you! However, the way the light glitters in your field and holds an electric charge it could also be referred to as a trigger.

As you know, triggers can attract familiar situations that will in turn validate our fears and cause us to react intensely. Due to the fact most triggers are unconscious they also can create an automatic reaction - like yelling, lashing out, or freezing. When we return your sparkle back to you we create a pause or a breath in between the situation, emotion, and the reaction. This rewiring is similar to neuroplasticity because we are creating a new reaction (pathway); through sound healing we are also strengthening and reinforcing your centeredness and alignment.

By returning your sparkle and having your life force returned to you, you are literally ‘leveling up’ in life because you are more aligned with your truth and authenticity.

Train Rides - a poem

So this is what happens when I drink too much coffee and stay up past my bedtime.

It feels Kerouac-y and I like it. 

Life IS living on a sleeper train and jumping from bus to bus scraping just enough together to get to the next destination. There is a certain romance about eating at gas stations, peeing in the woods and not knowing where your next bed is. My heart beats a little louder for people living out of their van, making breakfast out of their trunk in the morning dew in the soft light of a sunrise. Life isn't planning. Life is living for exactly what you want. Not saving up for someday. Someday is a disease that will take your dreams to their graves, graffiti told us on the cement walls of one of our Vietnamese hostels. Bright shades of wisdom from aerosol cans.

In a dirty hostel somewhere in Vinh, we ran into Mike Wadleigh, the creator of the Woodstock documentary. He's gathering data on climate change, he told John. He seemed impressed with our story and told us to expose the lie by living the example. 'You don't need all that money,' he told us before putting on his oversized white helmet and riding off on a motorcycle (only after chatting with us about how the lead guitarist from queen is an astrophysicist and Iggy Pop is one of the smartest men he knows and lectures about life.) I thanked him for the documentary and told him how my generation of people were able to experience Woodstock because of his work. Music is not what it used to be, and a lot of people know that. Mike Wadleigh is 74 and looks not a day over 60 and is a self professed hippie and I love him. There is a serenity in his eyes and a tone in his voice I've never seen or heard before. Expose the lie. We will Mike, I hope we meet again.

'This is the lifeblood, the essence that runs through my veins' I think, as I type this swaying back and forth in my top bunk in a sleeper train headed to north Vietnam in hopes of better weather. We've been rained out of central Vietnam with only 8 more days left on our visas. I'm high on life and way to much coffee this evening. The lurching of the train shakes my already rattled bones.

I go for a late night cigarette in the bathroom but there's someone in there. The train swishes and sways back and forth and I'm nearly thrown into the doors, or out the doors, rather. I look out the windows on both sides and the world whizzes by as I just try to keep my balance. Ahhh such is life.

Finally I find a different bathroom but the door won't shut  I try and I try but the deadbolt just won't lock until I look down and realize I haven't even closed the door all the way. There's something cool about smoking a cigarette in a bathroom on a moving train somewhere in Vietnam, there's something about looking at the lights passing by in the darkness that's extremely calming amidst the chaos.

Purity is not for me, I think taking a drag off my cigarette, I still consider myself spiritual. I fell down that rabbit hole once and came out the same old Alice.

I told Sammie once when we were high sitting in the floor of my first apartment: we have a life we live, and then we have another life, our real life, dragging us by the hair, shouting and screaming our passions in our face saying 'follow me!!!! I know the antidote for the poison in your soul! That 9-5 job you call safety is actually a noose!'

The kids here love us, that being said some of the really young ones are terrified of us. Ironically for the same reasons: John is tall and I am tattooed. We're a walking American zoo. You can look but don't touch the animals, they're wild & they may bite.

I haven't taken too many selfies on this trip. Sometimes I think it's a good thing to not know what you look like. Acne eats away at your soul just like it does your skin. I wonder sometimes what's left.

But then I took a picture of myself on purpose trying to show my scars instead of hide them. So I could stare into what I perceive as negative and love it anyways. So I could work deeper into loving my light and darkness both internal and external. John says I can't take the bad with the good. He's right. 

The most moving thing I've seen on my trip was a young violinist at the train station in Bangkok. He played beautifully and had a speaker behind him playing piano to go with his violin. John and I stopped to watch for a very long time and after a while a shoeless blind man walked all the way up god knows where finding his way by holding onto the railing and stepping one foot in front of the other and he found this boy and reached for his violin and asked him something in Thai. I have no idea what. But the vibration of the music and the frequency of emotion filled the air and I was moved. The simple things we can miss if we're in a hurry in our day to day vs the things we witness when we have no plans at all.

A tumbleweeds the life for me. 

I'm a good writer when I'm properly caffeinated. The Vietnamese do coffee well.